Jaysun's Journal

Independent Baptist

Drinking Jokes


 

Drinking Jokes

 

Quips

  • The beer that made Milwaukee famous will make a fool out of you!
  • If it wasn’t for the olives in his martinis, he’d starve to death!

 

Religious Preference

A man in the passenger train car asked for something from the porter that couldn’t be supplied. He then called out, “Is there a Catholic priest in the car?”  No one answered. “Is there an Episcopalian minister in the car?”  Still, no one answered.  A voice finally spoke up.  “If you need spiritual comfort, I’m a Baptist preacher,” someone volunteered.  “I don’t want spiritual comfort,” the man said.  “I want a corkscrew!”

 

Poor Guy

A drunk was hanging on to a lamppost for dear life when an old lady walked by and said, “Why don’t you take a bus home?” The drunk said, “My wife would never let me keep it!”

 

Two Drunks

Two drunks saw a man siphoning gas from a car. One said to the other, “I hope I never get that thirsty!”

 

Walking on Water

The Baptist minister was asked by a mem­ber of the church, “Do you believe that people can walk on water?” The minister answered, “A whole lot better than they can on liquor!”

 

Cure For Worms?

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following: He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alcohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them. A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: You’re showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won’t have worms.”

 

Two Drunks

Two drunks were walking along the railroad tracks. One said, “I never saw so many steps in my life.” The other said, “I don’t mind the steps,” “but this low railing is killing me!”

 

Two Drunks

Two drunks found themselves on a roller coaster. One said, “We’re making great time, but I’m not sure this is the right bus!

 

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October 27, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Except For The Woman Preacher Its The Best Wedding Entrance Ever!!!


I haven’t found a wife but I have found my wedding planner!

But for every action there is an equally amusing YouTube video

October 15, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When Jesus Skipped Breakfast


In Mark 11:13-14 Jesus was hungry early one morning and just happened to see a fig tree in full bloom. As he got closer however, he discovered that the fig tree had no fruit. Jesus then did something I love to remind tree-huggers of; He cursed the fig tree.

In the very next verse Jesus enters into the temple and begins to cast out those that bought and sold in the temple, he flipped over the tables of the moneychangers and the seats of them that sold doves.

At this point the disciples probably made a mental note not to let Jesus skip breakfast anymore. (Mark 11:15)

September 8, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cool .Gif s


August 16, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Michael Jackson Death Jokes


Sources close to Jackson say he may have died from eating 12-year-old nuts.

So Farah Fawcett dies… she goes to heaven and God says “You were such a good person… with so much to offer people… what is your dying wish?” She thinks about it and says…”I want to save the children” – R.I.P. Michael

Q: What do Michael Jackson and grocery bags have in common?

A: They’re both plastic and they’re both dangerous for kids to play with.

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has a hot date?
A: There’s a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect “10″?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: “I’ll be there!”

Q: How does Michael Jackson keep his youth?
A: Pizza and Nintendo.


June 26, 2009 Posted by | funny | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Did Michael Jackson Go To Hell?


I seriously doubt Michael Jackson is in Heaven. In fact, the lyrics from “Thriller” will probably haunt his child-molesting, bleached-white carcass throughout all eternity.

You hear the door slam and realize there’s nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if youll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear the creature creepin up behind
You’re out of time

Recently however, a rumor surfaced that Andrae’ Crouch had visited Jackson three weeks before his death and led him to the Lord. I pray that’s so and I rejoice in the grace of God that can save anyone. But naturally I am skeptical so I visited Crouch’s Facebook page. The following are excerpts from Crouch’s page concerning Jackson’s alleged conversion. You can draw your own conclusions.

Dave Nassaney is the page administrator and posts for Mr. Crouch.  According to Mr. Nassaney “Andrae’ and Sandra did in fact visit with MJ…as recently as 3 weeks ago…”   Apparently Jackson had asked for “…prayer concerning the anointing of the Holy Spirit, and how he could make his music more “spiritual.”

Andrae’ Crouch …so Andrae’ and Sandra explained to him about the “anointing” and about Jesus. He wanted to know what makes your hands go up, and makes you “come out of yourself”, and what gives a “spirituality” to the music? He then requested to hear his favorite song that he loves, and wanted then to sing to him, so they sang that song to him, and joined hands and sang together, and he said, “it was beautiful”.

Andrae’ Crouch …He first heard it in NY, and loved it, and wanted it on tape. He had the engineer tape the song sang to him by Andrae’ and Sandra. He definitely had an “encounter” with them, Andrae’ says, “he did NOT reject Jesus or the prayer when they prayed, and gladly joined in prayer.” He usually doesn’t touch anybody, but he touched them, and held their hands in a circle as they sang and prayed…

Andrae’ Crouch …There was NO actual “sinners prayer” however, but they did talk and pray about Jesus and the anointing of the Holy Spirit. They also told him, “Michael, we consider you as our son”, and he said, “Yes, yes, yes”, and he gave him his latest music on a CD, and he told him, “Andrae’ I trust you with this”, and gave him CD’s of 2 songs, unpublished, …beautiful music. He still had his Christmas decorations up at home.

June 26, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 71 Comments

Marital Humor


marriedman

Quips:

  • ·    Married men usually live longer but they’re much more willing to die.
  • ·    Men marry because they’re tired, women because they’re curious, both are disappointed.
  • ·    One guy said, “I got a gun for my wife…great trade huh?”
  • ·    A man is not complete until he is married and then he’s finished.
  • ·    A buddy of mine was so poor that he got married just for the rice!
  • ·    One guy said he made an angel she was always harping on something.

Baker’s Mix-up.
A couple went to the local deli to order a wedding cake for the coming week. That morning the bride had taken her devotions from the portion of Scripture that says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear….” 1Jo 4:18 She was so struck by the verse she felt it was the perfect will of God to have it on her wedding cake! So she left instructions with the Baker to put 1John 4:18 on the wedding cake.
The Baker however, was not a saved man, nor was he familiar with the Scriptures! He mistakenly turned his Bible to the Gospel of John Chapter 4 and verse number 18. If you remember Jesus was here talking to the woman at the well when He said, “For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband…” John 4:18

How Many Times Have You Been Married?
Frank Pittman said he was walking through the nursing home one-day when a lady stopped him and said “You look like my fourth husband.” He said “Lady, just how many times have you been married?” She said “Three.”

Cold Feet – Warm Prospects
A young Christian girl was worried about her fiancé.
Girl: “Mom, I don’t think I should marry Bob!”
Mom: “Why honey?”
Girl: “He doesn’t believe in Hell!”
Mom: “Go ahead and marry him sweetheart.”
Girl: “Mom! How can you say that when he doesn’t believe in Hell?”
Mom: “Trust me, if he marries you he’ll believe in Hell!”

Grief Stricken
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His atten­tion was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?” The mourner answered, “My wife’s first husband! Why did you die? Why did you die?”

What’d You Say?
My grandma would get to fussing sometimes – well a lot of times and Grandpa had what he called his “wife switch!” He’d just reach up and turn his hearing aide off!

The Curse
An old man went to the wizard to ask him to remove a curse he had been living with for the past 40 years. “Maybe,” said the wizard, “but you’ll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” “That’s easy,” said the man. “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Proof of Bad Eyesight
A fellow was drafted into the Army but claimed he should be exempted on account of his poor eyesight. He brought along his wife as proof.  Married men usually live longer but they’re much more willing to die.

Amazing
A couple was having dinner at their favorite restaurant when the wife noticed the husband staring at an obviously inebriated woman sitting alone at a nearby table. “Do you know her?” the wife asked. “Yes, and it’s so sad,” sighed the husband, “She’s my ex-wife. She started drinking after we divorced eight years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.” “My goodness,” said the wife. “Who would think that someone could go on celebrating that long?”

Preachers – The Old Goat
A young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth. “Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'”

January 12, 2009 Posted by | funny, humor | , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments