Jaysun's Journal

Independent Baptist

Funny Sermon Titles


Funny Sermon Titles

  • The Day The Price of Pork Went Up (Mark 5)
  • The Bad Samaritan (John 4)
  • Losing Your Rear End “…the hinder part was broken with the violence of the waves.” (Ac 27:41)
  • Dangerous Things Inside The Ark (ie. “woodpeckers”)[1]
  • The Vermin on the Mount (1Kings 18)
  • Chinese Water Torture (Prov 27:15)
  • The Dry Heaves “…the fish…vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.” (Jon 2:10)
  • Mechanical Bull (Hosea 8:5)
  • Handicapped Christians “…brother that walketh disorderly…” (2Th 3:6)
  • The Dirt Will Come Out!  (Judges 3:22)
  • Mouth Rash “Be not rash with thy mouth…” (Eccl 5:2)

[1]Don Sessions mentioned “woodpeckers” then compared them to some hard headed Christians.  Woodpeckers also have unusually long tongues.

Leave Your Own Sermon Title

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October 27, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Jokes About Children


Kids

 

 

Homework

“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”
The father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.” “That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny, “but you could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

 

Frogs

Frank Pittman told of a conversation he had with his grandson.

Grandson: “Paw Paw, would you make a noise like a frog?”

Grandpa: “Why?

Grandson: “Cause grandma said when you croak we get to go to Disney Land!”

 

Shriners

Son:”Dad, what’s a Shriner?”

Dad:”It’s a drunk Mason son.”

 

An Honest Question

Ada LeMaster of Spartanburg says she and her husband, Jim, laughed until their sides were splitting after receiving a bit of humor from their daughter. “Dear Lord,” the preacher began his sermon, “without you, we are but dust…” He would have continued, but at that moment a very obedient little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill lit­tle girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?” Church was pretty much over at that point.[1]

 

Mom Like Lot’s Wife

The Sunday School teacher was de­scribing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jimmy interrupted. “My Mommy looked back once while she was DRIVING,” he announced trium­phantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”

 

You Must Be Proud

Two boys were trying to outdo each other. The first said, “My uncle is a doctor. I can be sick for nothing.” The second youngster said, “Big deal! My uncle is a preacher. I can be good for nothing.”

 

 

Alabama Vasectomy

An Alabama couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.  They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband ”fixed.’   The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision–why after nine children, would they choose to do this.  The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

 

 

Another Preacher’s Kid

The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, “Having children is an Act of God!”An older man in the back stood and shouted back, “Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!”

 

 

 


[1] The Stroller 3/17/06

October 27, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fighting Jokes


Fighting Jokes

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Quips

  • I didn’t say I knew how to fight.  I said I knew how to win.
  • He was a colorful fighter—black and blue and blood red.
  • “You said you could beat him hands down.” “He doesn’t want to keep his hands down!”
  • He fought like a baseball pitcher—at the end of the fight he had a no-hitter.
  • He was a crossword-puzzle fighter—he came into the ring vertically and left horizontally.
  • He once had a fight with a woman. He would have won if she hadn’t hit him back with her crutch!
  • He never bled after the third round. By that time he was all out of blood.
  • He bled so much, after his fight the Red Cross used to siphon up the canvas!
  • He has more belts than any other fighter— and all on his chin!

That’s Mean

He was so mean, when he called dial a prayer they told him to go to Hell.

Picking Your Battles

A bulldog can whip a skunk any day of the week…but it’s just not worth it.

No Contingency Plan?

A successful Irish boxer was converted and became a preacher. He hap­pened to be in a new town setting up his evangelistic tent when a couple of tough thugs noticed what he was doing. Knowing nothing of his background, they made a few insulting remarks. The Irishman merely turned and looked at them. Pressing his luck, one of the bullies took a swing and struck a glancing blow on one side of the ex-boxer’s face. He shook it off and said nothing as he stuck out his jaw. The fellow took another glancing blow on the other side. At that point the preacher swiftly took off his coat, rolled up his sleeves, and announced, “The Lord gave me no further instructions.” Whop![i]


[i] Swindoll, Charles R. Swindoll’s Ultimate Book of Illustrations and Quotes.

 

October 27, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Spiritual Guidance Illustrations


 

Spiritual Guidance

 

Knowing Where You’re Going

An evangelist told the story of a time when Albert Einstein was going on a train to an out-of-town engagement. The conductor stopped by to punch his ticket. The great scientist, preoccupied with his work, with great embarrassment rummaged through his coat pockets and briefcase to no avail. He could not find his ticket. The conductor said, “We all know who you are, Dr. Einstein. I’m sure you bought a ticket. Don’t worry about it. Everything is okay.” The conductor walked on down the aisle punching other tickets. Before he moved to the next car, he looked back and saw Dr. Einstein down on his hands and knees looking under his seat trying to find his ticket. He came back and gently said, “Dr. Einstein, please don’t worry about it. I know who you are.” Einstein looked up and said, “I too know who I am. What I don’t know is where I’m going!”[i]

Bound For Where?

Rob Yeomans of Pontesbury, England, bounced up and down trying to get more life into the choir’s rendering of “I Wonder Where I’m Bound.” The iron grid gave way under him and he vanished into the church’s central heating duct. [ii]



[i] Citation: Greg Asimakoupoulos, author and speaker, Naperville, Illinois; source: John A. Huffman Jr., pastor of St. Andrews Presbyterian Church, Newport Beach, California, from sermon “Resurrection Life” (June 23, 2000)

[ii] Paul Lee Tan

 

October 27, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cooking Jokes


Cooking Jokes

 

Quips

  • “My wife made a terrible mistake the other day but we ate it anyhow.”
  • The food is so bad, we pray after we eat.
  • “My wife treats me like a god – she keeps giving me burnt offerings.”
  • “I’m just as full as a mosquito in a nudist colony!” Phil Kidd
  • My wife went to cooking school and major in the defrosting. She has the best meals you ever thaw.
  • Our family is made up of big eaters. After each meal we have to count the children.

October 27, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Drinking Jokes


 

Drinking Jokes

 

Quips

  • The beer that made Milwaukee famous will make a fool out of you!
  • If it wasn’t for the olives in his martinis, he’d starve to death!

 

Religious Preference

A man in the passenger train car asked for something from the porter that couldn’t be supplied. He then called out, “Is there a Catholic priest in the car?”  No one answered. “Is there an Episcopalian minister in the car?”  Still, no one answered.  A voice finally spoke up.  “If you need spiritual comfort, I’m a Baptist preacher,” someone volunteered.  “I don’t want spiritual comfort,” the man said.  “I want a corkscrew!”

 

Poor Guy

A drunk was hanging on to a lamppost for dear life when an old lady walked by and said, “Why don’t you take a bus home?” The drunk said, “My wife would never let me keep it!”

 

Two Drunks

Two drunks saw a man siphoning gas from a car. One said to the other, “I hope I never get that thirsty!”

 

Walking on Water

The Baptist minister was asked by a mem­ber of the church, “Do you believe that people can walk on water?” The minister answered, “A whole lot better than they can on liquor!”

 

Cure For Worms?

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following: He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alcohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them. A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: You’re showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won’t have worms.”

 

Two Drunks

Two drunks were walking along the railroad tracks. One said, “I never saw so many steps in my life.” The other said, “I don’t mind the steps,” “but this low railing is killing me!”

 

Two Drunks

Two drunks found themselves on a roller coaster. One said, “We’re making great time, but I’m not sure this is the right bus!

 

October 27, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment