Praying For A New Tongue?
Praying For A New Tongue?
Most Folks Can’t Handle The One They’ve Got!
When a prophet named Balaam was headed somewhere the Lord didn’t want him to go God sent an angel to block his way. The beast on which Balaam rode was apparently more sensitive to spiritual things than he was. Because the animal kept turning out of the way to avoid the angel, Balaam became frustrated and started beating her.
“And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?” (Num 22:28)
Notice first of all (1) something is speaking that shouldn’t be. 2Peter 2:16 says this “dumb (mute) ass” was speaking “with a man’s voice.” This is not the 1st time you find an animal speaking in the Bible (the serpent spoke to Eve in the Garden) but this is interesting. Notice also, Balaam’s ass was a ‘she’. In the average charismatic church, I’d say, women do 90% of the tongues speaking. Paul was dealing expressly with the gift of tongues when the Holy Ghost moved him to write:
“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” (1Co 14:34-35)
Paul knew it was the will of God for the “women to keep silence in the churches” when it came to the matter of tongues. But Paul was also a realist. He knew that people do not like being told what they can and can’t do. Paul knew that later on liberal scholars would rise up out of the crevices of Hell and downplay what he had just written. Accordingly, some argue that the prohibition against women speaking in tongues here in 1Corinthians 14 and the qualifications of a pastor in 1Timothy 3 are all just Paul’s “opinion.” Paul anticipated all of this and wrote verse 37 for everyone who tries to justify their charismatic grandma or one of their friends who happens to be a woman preacher. In an almost sarcastic manner, he says:
“If any man think himself to be a prophet, or spiritual, let him acknowledge that the things that I write unto you are the commandments of the Lord.” (1Co 14:37) 
Paul knew many folks don’t care what the Bible says. So he writes in verse 38: “But if any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant.” (1Co 14:38)
Secondly, (2) this unnatural behaviour didn’t appear strange to Balaam. Any sane person would have found this event beyond bizarre. But remember, Balaam is not right with God. People who are out of fellowship with the Lord are frequently and strangely comfortable in unusual circumstances. For instance, when Jonah was running from God, the Lord sent a storm that nearly destroyed the ship he was in. The heathen sailors were calling on every god they could think of! (It’s just natural to pray when you’re going thru a storm.) “…But Jonah was gone down into the sides of the ship; and he lay, and was fast asleep.” (Jon 1:5) In his backslid condition Jonah seemed immune to his problematic surroundings. If you have the slightest knowledge of the Bible you should know the Holy Ghost won’t make you act like a complete fool. If you see nothing wrong with men and women foaming at the mouth and babbling on like idiots, then there’s something wrong with you (you’re spiritually retarded).
The Mosaic Law demanded that God’s people (the Jews) abstain from unclean meats. Many of the Jews continued to observe these dietary laws even after they were converted. They did this more out of habit than necessity. But, in their defense, there was no verse in the Old Testament that said, “After you become a Christian you can eat whatever you want.” So in their minds, certain things like pork were still taboo. When Gentiles started getting saved, because of their eating habits, many of the believing Jews were uncertain whether or not they should fellowship with them. (It was hard for them to believe God would bless someone who ate bacon.) On one occasion, because of this mindset, God revealed to the Jewish companions of Peter that He did indeed pour out His spirit upon Jew and Gentile alike.
“While Peter yet spake these words, the Holy Ghost fell on all them which heard the word. And they of the circumcision which believed were astonished, as many as came with Peter, because that on the Gentiles also was poured out the gift of the Holy Ghost. For they heard them speak with tongues, and magnify God. Then answered Peter,” (Ac 10:44-46)
Again the Bible says they spoke with “tongues” (plural) and not with an “unknown tongue” (singular). Tongues were necessary since, as 1Cor 1:22 says, “The Jews require a sign.” Until the New Testament scriptures were complete, the sign gifts were necessary for unbelieving Jews. Mark 16:20 indicates the Apostles had been commissioned to confirm (authenticate, backup, or validate) the Gospel with signs. The purpose of tongues was to confirm that God had indeed stretched out His saving arm to the Gentiles.
The word ‘tongue’ in Scripture refers to either: a language or an actual part of the body known as the tongue. As far as the Bible is concerned, the gift of tongues was the supernatural ability to speak in a language not previously learned. For instance if I was suddenly endowed by God with the ability to speak and understand Japanese, that would be similar to the gift on Pentecost. 1Corinthians 14 gives instruction concerning the utilization of this gift. Many of these rules are violated and completely disregarded in charismatic circles. However, the utter confusion, which “they” refer to as ‘speaking in tongues,’ is NOT that gift described in the Bible. Tongues, such as in Acts 2 and 10, were known languages and not ecstatic, unintelligible, gibberish.
Some say that “speaking in tongues” is evidence of being filled with the Holy Ghost. Some go even further, saying that you’re not even saved if you don’t speak in tongues. I strongly disagree. Take Jesus for example. Can you think of anyone more sanctified and Holy than the Lord Jesus Christ? None would ever accuse Him of not being Spirit filled. Yet in my Bible, I never find a single instance where Jesus ever spoke in tongues. If “tongues” is the evidence of having the “baptism of the Holy Ghost“, why did the Lord not leave us that example in His life as He did with water baptism and communion? Moving on…
“For he that speaketh in an unknown tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God: for no man understandeth him; howbeit in the spirit he speaketh mysteries.” (1Cor 4:2)
The word “spirit“ in this verse is lowercase. It refers to our spirit and not God’s Holy Spirit. Notice, the word “unknown’ here is italicized, and the word ‘tongue’ is singular. ‘Unknown tongue’ refers to any language not understood by others. We are told not to forbid people to speak with ‘tongues’ (plural) in 1Cor 14:39. However, the Bible does NOT say “Forbid not to speak in the unknown tongue” (singular) this is Bible Doctrine, not merely my opinion.
And as Forest Gump once said, “That’s all I got to say about that.”
Heretics
Arnold Murray
More information will be forthcoming but suffice it to say that this man seriously deviates from orthodox Bible teaching. I hate to use the word “orthodox” but it sounds more professional than saying the man teaches some “off-the-wall” stuff!
Benny Hinn
Come on people. You’ll never see this guy at the Shriner’s Hospital healing kids.
Jose Luis Miranda De Jesus
Jokes About Obama
Jokes About Obama
Barack Obama -vs- An Intelligent Little Girl
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, “What would you like to talk about?“
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?“
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know crap?“
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President Obama decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of an American farm, but the ceremony couldn’t get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head. Obama demanded to know why the flies wouldn’t leave, so the farmer explained to him, “Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses.” Obama angrily replied, “Hey, are you saying that I’m a horse’s ass?” The farmer answered, “No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse’s ass. It’s hard to fool them flies though.”
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Q. Why won’t Obama release his real birth certificate?
A. The ink isn’t dry yet.
Golden Oldie Obama Jokes
Q: What’s the problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
Q. What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
A. Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.
Q Why is Oprah supporting Obama?
A She has a history of supporting frauds.
Q. What made Barack help a Chicago slumlord to victimize the poor?
A. The check.
Giving money and power to Barack Obama is like giving liquor and car keys to a teenage boy. (Tip o’ the hat to P. J. O’Rourke)
Q: Why are there so few real Barack Obama jokes?
A: Most of them are true stories.
Q. Why does Barack Obama support our servicemen?
A. He doesn’t.
Q. Why did Barack Obama decide to be a lawyer?
A. He didn’t want to have to work for a living.
Q. What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A. Deductible.
Q. Why did Barack Obama register to run for office as a Democrat?
A. The Communist Party doesn’t have enough voters.
Q. Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A. It stands between him and the First.
Q. Why won’t Barack Obama’s presidential jet be flight worthy?
A. It will only have a left wing.
Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake.”
Barack Obama says, “Let them eat arugala.”
Robin Hood took from the rich and gave to the poor.
Barack Obama takes from the middle class and sticks it to the poor.
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Jokes About Children
Kids
Homework
“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”
The father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.” “That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny, “but you could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”
Frogs
Frank Pittman told of a conversation he had with his grandson.
Grandson: “Paw Paw, would you make a noise like a frog?”
Grandpa: “Why?
Grandson: “Cause grandma said when you croak we get to go to Disney Land!”
Shriners
Son:”Dad, what’s a Shriner?”
Dad:”It’s a drunk Mason son.”
An Honest Question
Ada LeMaster of Spartanburg says she and her husband, Jim, laughed until their sides were splitting after receiving a bit of humor from their daughter. “Dear Lord,” the preacher began his sermon, “without you, we are but dust…” He would have continued, but at that moment a very obedient little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?” Church was pretty much over at that point.[1]
Mom Like Lot’s Wife
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jimmy interrupted. “My Mommy looked back once while she was DRIVING,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
You Must Be Proud
Two boys were trying to outdo each other. The first said, “My uncle is a doctor. I can be sick for nothing.” The second youngster said, “Big deal! My uncle is a preacher. I can be good for nothing.”
Alabama Vasectomy
An Alabama couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband ”fixed.’ The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision–why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Another Preacher’s Kid
The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, “Having children is an Act of God!”An older man in the back stood and shouted back, “Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!”
[1] The Stroller 3/17/06
Fighting Jokes
Fighting Jokes
Quips
- I didn’t say I knew how to fight. I said I knew how to win.
- He was a colorful fighter—black and blue and blood red.
- “You said you could beat him hands down.” “He doesn’t want to keep his hands down!”
- He fought like a baseball pitcher—at the end of the fight he had a no-hitter.
- He was a crossword-puzzle fighter—he came into the ring vertically and left horizontally.
- He once had a fight with a woman. He would have won if she hadn’t hit him back with her crutch!
- He never bled after the third round. By that time he was all out of blood.
- He bled so much, after his fight the Red Cross used to siphon up the canvas!
- He has more belts than any other fighter— and all on his chin!
That’s Mean
He was so mean, when he called dial a prayer they told him to go to Hell.
Picking Your Battles
A bulldog can whip a skunk any day of the week…but it’s just not worth it.
No Contingency Plan?
A successful Irish boxer was converted and became a preacher. He happened to be in a new town setting up his evangelistic tent when a couple of tough thugs noticed what he was doing. Knowing nothing of his background, they made a few insulting remarks. The Irishman merely turned and looked at them. Pressing his luck, one of the bullies took a swing and struck a glancing blow on one side of the ex-boxer’s face. He shook it off and said nothing as he stuck out his jaw. The fellow took another glancing blow on the other side. At that point the preacher swiftly took off his coat, rolled up his sleeves, and announced, “The Lord gave me no further instructions.” Whop![i]
[i] Swindoll, Charles R. Swindoll’s Ultimate Book of Illustrations and Quotes.
Spiritual Guidance Illustrations
Spiritual Guidance
Knowing Where You’re Going
An evangelist told the story of a time when Albert Einstein was going on a train to an out-of-town engagement. The conductor stopped by to punch his ticket. The great scientist, preoccupied with his work, with great embarrassment rummaged through his coat pockets and briefcase to no avail. He could not find his ticket. The conductor said, “We all know who you are, Dr. Einstein. I’m sure you bought a ticket. Don’t worry about it. Everything is okay.” The conductor walked on down the aisle punching other tickets. Before he moved to the next car, he looked back and saw Dr. Einstein down on his hands and knees looking under his seat trying to find his ticket. He came back and gently said, “Dr. Einstein, please don’t worry about it. I know who you are.” Einstein looked up and said, “I too know who I am. What I don’t know is where I’m going!”[i]
Bound For Where?
Rob Yeomans of Pontesbury, England, bounced up and down trying to get more life into the choir’s rendering of “I Wonder Where I’m Bound.” The iron grid gave way under him and he vanished into the church’s central heating duct. [ii]
[i] Citation: Greg Asimakoupoulos, author and speaker, Naperville, Illinois; source: John A. Huffman Jr., pastor of St. Andrews Presbyterian Church, Newport Beach, California, from sermon “Resurrection Life” (June 23, 2000)
[ii] Paul Lee Tan
Cooking Jokes
Cooking Jokes
Quips
- “My wife made a terrible mistake the other day but we ate it anyhow.”
- The food is so bad, we pray after we eat.
- “My wife treats me like a god – she keeps giving me burnt offerings.”
- “I’m just as full as a mosquito in a nudist colony!” Phil Kidd
- My wife went to cooking school and major in the defrosting. She has the best meals you ever thaw.
- Our family is made up of big eaters. After each meal we have to count the children.
Michael Jackson Death Jokes
Sources close to Jackson say he may have died from eating 12-year-old nuts.
So Farah Fawcett dies… she goes to heaven and God says “You were such a good person… with so much to offer people… what is your dying wish?” She thinks about it and says…”I want to save the children” – R.I.P. Michael
Q: What do Michael Jackson and grocery bags have in common?
A: They’re both plastic and they’re both dangerous for kids to play with.
Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has a hot date?
A: There’s a big wheel parked outside his house.
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect “10″?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: “I’ll be there!”
Q: How does Michael Jackson keep his youth?
A: Pizza and Nintendo.
Did Michael Jackson Go To Hell?
I seriously doubt Michael Jackson is in Heaven. In fact, the lyrics from “Thriller” will probably haunt his child-molesting, bleached-white carcass throughout all eternity.
You hear the door slam and realize there’s nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if youll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear the creature creepin up behind
You’re out of time
Recently however, a rumor surfaced that Andrae’ Crouch had visited Jackson three weeks before his death and led him to the Lord. I pray that’s so and I rejoice in the grace of God that can save anyone. But naturally I am skeptical so I visited Crouch’s Facebook page. The following are excerpts from Crouch’s page concerning Jackson’s alleged conversion. You can draw your own conclusions.
Dave Nassaney is the page administrator and posts for Mr. Crouch. According to Mr. Nassaney “Andrae’ and Sandra did in fact visit with MJ…as recently as 3 weeks ago…” Apparently Jackson had asked for “…prayer concerning the anointing of the Holy Spirit, and how he could make his music more “spiritual.””
Andrae’ Crouch …so Andrae’ and Sandra explained to him about the “anointing” and about Jesus. He wanted to know what makes your hands go up, and makes you “come out of yourself”, and what gives a “spirituality” to the music? He then requested to hear his favorite song that he loves, and wanted then to sing to him, so they sang that song to him, and joined hands and sang together, and he said, “it was beautiful”.
Andrae’ Crouch …He first heard it in NY, and loved it, and wanted it on tape. He had the engineer tape the song sang to him by Andrae’ and Sandra. He definitely had an “encounter” with them, Andrae’ says, “he did NOT reject Jesus or the prayer when they prayed, and gladly joined in prayer.” He usually doesn’t touch anybody, but he touched them, and held their hands in a circle as they sang and prayed…
Andrae’ Crouch …There was NO actual “sinners prayer” however, but they did talk and pray about Jesus and the anointing of the Holy Spirit. They also told him, “Michael, we consider you as our son”, and he said, “Yes, yes, yes”, and he gave him his latest music on a CD, and he told him, “Andrae’ I trust you with this”, and gave him CD’s of 2 songs, unpublished, …beautiful music. He still had his Christmas decorations up at home.
Marital Humor
Quips:
- · Married men usually live longer but they’re much more willing to die.
- · Men marry because they’re tired, women because they’re curious, both are disappointed.
- · One guy said, “I got a gun for my wife…great trade huh?”
- · A man is not complete until he is married and then he’s finished.
- · A buddy of mine was so poor that he got married just for the rice!
- · One guy said he made an angel she was always harping on something.
Baker’s Mix-up.
A couple went to the local deli to order a wedding cake for the coming week. That morning the bride had taken her devotions from the portion of Scripture that says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear….” 1Jo 4:18 She was so struck by the verse she felt it was the perfect will of God to have it on her wedding cake! So she left instructions with the Baker to put 1John 4:18 on the wedding cake.
The Baker however, was not a saved man, nor was he familiar with the Scriptures! He mistakenly turned his Bible to the Gospel of John Chapter 4 and verse number 18. If you remember Jesus was here talking to the woman at the well when He said, “For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband…” John 4:18
How Many Times Have You Been Married?
Frank Pittman said he was walking through the nursing home one-day when a lady stopped him and said “You look like my fourth husband.” He said “Lady, just how many times have you been married?” She said “Three.”
Cold Feet – Warm Prospects
A young Christian girl was worried about her fiancé.
Girl: “Mom, I don’t think I should marry Bob!”
Mom: “Why honey?”
Girl: “He doesn’t believe in Hell!”
Mom: “Go ahead and marry him sweetheart.”
Girl: “Mom! How can you say that when he doesn’t believe in Hell?”
Mom: “Trust me, if he marries you he’ll believe in Hell!”
Grief Stricken
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?” The mourner answered, “My wife’s first husband! Why did you die? Why did you die?”
What’d You Say?
My grandma would get to fussing sometimes – well a lot of times and Grandpa had what he called his “wife switch!” He’d just reach up and turn his hearing aide off!
The Curse
An old man went to the wizard to ask him to remove a curse he had been living with for the past 40 years. “Maybe,” said the wizard, “but you’ll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” “That’s easy,” said the man. “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
Proof of Bad Eyesight
A fellow was drafted into the Army but claimed he should be exempted on account of his poor eyesight. He brought along his wife as proof. Married men usually live longer but they’re much more willing to die.
Amazing
A couple was having dinner at their favorite restaurant when the wife noticed the husband staring at an obviously inebriated woman sitting alone at a nearby table. “Do you know her?” the wife asked. “Yes, and it’s so sad,” sighed the husband, “She’s my ex-wife. She started drinking after we divorced eight years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.” “My goodness,” said the wife. “Who would think that someone could go on celebrating that long?”
Preachers – The Old Goat
A young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth. “Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.’”
Jason
